Today the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency ended its “self-deportation” pilot program! Of the 457,000 eligible undocumented immigrants, a whopping 8 sent themselves packing – and only one was Mexican! Half of the participating immigrants got free rides home to Estonia, India, and Lebanon after quitting the United States. The self-deportations carried out over a three week trial run were deemed “NICE Raids,” by the agency that faced criticism for its commando-style apprehensions in places like Postville, Iowa. After the huge failure of the pilot program, the staffers who suggested the idea have been reportedly demoted to “fingerprinters!” Meanwhile, donpalabraz.com was able to obtain an exclusive phone transcript of the lone Mexican who willingly offered himself:
ICE Agent: Hello.
Don Cheato: Si, is this the self-deportation department?
ICE Agent: No. Let me transfer you to Agent Lupe Moreno.
Agent Moreno: Self-deporting department!
Don Cheato: Si senora, I’ve…I’ve got to deport myself!
Agent Moreno: So you’re not a Hispanic American of Mexican Decent?
Don Cheato: Que? My wife…*sobs* I have nothing to live for in dis country no mores…
Agent Moreno: What happened to your wife, sir?
Don Cheato: She caught me in the yacuzzi with my sancha! Ayyyyyyeee!
Agent Moreno: And?
Don Cheato: And my sancha found out I was married and left me with my chones down in the yacuzzi! *Sobs* I’m a no goot sin verguenza!
Agent Moreno: What does this have to do with your self-deportation?
Don Cheato: Everyjuan knows about it. I am a public embarrassment. It was all filmed on that pinche show, Secretos: Los Angeles by that cabron Yoey Greco! They took it, they took it…
Agent Moreno: Well, sir. You can come down to our station and deport yourself as part of ICE’s new program! I myself can’t wait for your greasy ass to get out of this country. Don’t let the door hit your nalgas on the way out!
Don Cheato: I…*sobs* I need some time, porque, I’ve been drinking, and I feel very pre-emotional right now, tu sabes? Lemme sober up, y luego, I’ll do it…I’ll do it… I have nothing to live for in dis country no mores. Ni trabajo tengo. I lost my yob after everyjuan saw the episode…
Agent Moreno: Like I said sir, come into our office and we’ll get you out of this great country quick, fast and in a hurry you goddamn two-timing tortilla-flippin’ bastard!
Don Cheato: Ok, senora, whateverjoosay…
The next day, donpalabraz.com learned that Don Cheato did indeed turn himself into agent Moreno. A Chicano activist, re-named “Huevolontzin” after the Aztec god of laziness depicted in art with two huge sagging balls, begged and pleaded for Don Cheato to not do it, but Cheato’s soon to be ex-wife told the well intentioned youth, “Let the fucker go! Fuck him!” Now, I don’t know if this is what ICE had in mind when it piloted out the program, but this is indeed the story of the lone and melancholic Mexican who did what no other of his people had done; self-deport. tan-TAN!